XXXI

The drive back to Gaby’s house was, to say the least, tense. Frédérique had barely uttered a word, but Gaby was satisfied nonetheless: she could tell by the muscular reactions in Frédérique’s face that something she had said had breached the wall and she was now processing it. Good. Gaby curved her lips upwards and kept quiet. When they stopped at her house, Gaby kissed Frédérique goodbye and entered the building.

But it wasn’t just Gaby’s words that resonated inside Frédérique’s head: it was one particular line that reminded her of one of Richie's songs. Frédérique’s mind started playing it on a loop, as if it was Richie himself talking to her.

There comes a time in someone's life
when you find the things that matter

In order to brush it off, she tried to play another record inside her head: the one that contained all the reasons why she had decided to end their relationship. You don’t belong next to him, in his world. But after every line, Richie’s words seemed to sound even louder.

And every time we touch
the love runs deep
we realize it's ours to keep
and that's all that really matters

She repeated to herself. He needs to be in California, you can't make him choose between you and his daughter. While she parked her car outside her building, Richie’s words were still there.

We'll share our lives together
yes our flame burns on forever
and at the final curtain call
we can say we did it all.

By this time she was almost screaming in her head. He wants children, and you don’t want to go through all the frustration of trying to get pregnant again only to lose another baby, it’s too painful. She stood in front of the mirror in the elevator on her way up to the apartment.

When you're in the dark
baby don't despair
I'm just a spark away
I will be there
and that's all that matters.

Frédérique reminded herself of yet another reason. Love makes you weak and vulnerable, you’ll suffer, you’ll lose yourself. She wanted to get that mental battle over with before she entered her apartment.

You'll always be my sweet addiction
in this life my saving grace

Girl you're all that really matters
you know it's true

As the doors slid open behind her, she remembered what she had seen on the TV back at the créperie. He’s with somebody else now, he’s moved on. But Richie wasn’t giving up, he wanted to have the last word.

Ain't no me without you

Frédérique stood in front of her door, with her fingers hovering over the buttons to enter the code. Suddenly, all her reasons didn’t seem enough: they all appeared to have a way of working themselves out - what she felt for Richie was different from anything else she had felt before, and she had seen in his sweet, honest brown eyes that he loved her, too. If suffering came their way, they'd be there for each other, they’d pull through. Her stomach twisted in disgust at what she had felt when she saw Richie and Nikki arm in arm on TV, but the two were friends and partners - of course rumors would appear, and Frédérique knew better. They’d deal with distance and pain and whatever karma threw their way. What mattered was that they were together, then they’d be invincible.

“Ain’t no me without you”, Frédérique whispered to herself, visualizing Richie in front of her. She nodded and pressed her lips together to stiffen the smile her realization had triggered. “Who dares wins”.

She took a step back, and re entered the elevator.

On her way down she recalled the band’s itinerary in her head and remembered they’d be playing in Uncasville that night, it wasn’t a long ride and Frédérique was a fast driver. She looked at the time: the show had already started, so it was useless to call Richie then. She ran out of the cabin and into her car in the garage.

As fast a driver as she was, the drive seemed endless and she had no idea how to get to the arena, but soon the signs started to appear and she swiftly followed them until she got caught up in the traffic jam provoked by the hundreds of vehicles trying to make their way out of Mohegan Sun. Patience. Frédérique allowed herself five more minutes before thinking of another course of action. She waited.

Nothing, the traffic wasn’t moving.

She took her phone and dialed Richie’s number. It rang five times and then his voice again, asking to leave a message. “Zut alors!” she swore out loud in her native tongue before the usual bip that allowed her to speak.

“Richie I’m on my way to Mohegan Sun but I’m stuck in traffic. I need to talk to you…”, she said anxiously and paused when she realized the words that were about to come out of her lips, “…I love you”.

After she hung up the traffic started moving but in a painfully slow pace. Twenty minutes later she was able to park her car and run amongst the still swarming crowd outside of the arena, sticking her neck up to try to identify her way in. As she navigated the sea of people, she reached for her phone inside her purse again to try to contact Richie - he was probably back in his dressing room by now – but it slipped from her hands. She juggled to catch it in the air but it finally hit the floor and split open. “Merde! Merde! Merde! Merde!”,  Frédérique repearted, frustrated at her clumsiness again. She picked up what was left of her cell phone and looked around for an entrance, then let out a sigh of relief when she recognized the person she contacted during the shows in Jersey to let her in and ran towards him.

“Someone’s late…”, the man said with a smile, “…and out of the grid”, he finished when he saw the pieces of cell phone lodged in Frédérique’s fist.

“Don’t ask”, said Frédérique as she rolled her eyes. Then they greeted each other warmly and at Frédérique’s inquiry on the band’s whereabouts he answered:

“But they’re gone, honey, they’ve left for the after party”, and at Frédérique’s unspoken question, he indicated where that was. Frédérique secretively thanked her protective gods and started running yet again. This time it was different, though: she wasn’t running from, she was running to.

And still running she was when she bumped into Jon a few yards from the entrance. She was so blinded by her objective on the other side of the door that it was more like a tackle.

“Hey!”, Jon managed to say with surprise, flashing the widest and shiniest of his smiles, and gave her a tight hug. “I’m really glad you came, Fred” Jon sighed, relieved, “he’s in there”. When they pulled apart, he grabbed her waist, gave it a squeeze and kissed her flat on the cheek before entering the van that was waiting to take him home.